“GAY Stars On Ice & Friends!” PRESENTS:

Johnny Queer

There’s been SO much press and discussion about Johnny’s “STARS On Ice” exclusion, and of him wanting to produce his own alternative show, complete with his Lady Gaga. I didn’t trust that any producer could get this off the ground as a tour…MAYBE as a one-time tv special (Johnny, please prove me wrong!). So, with my wildest fantasies sparked, I took the bull by the horns, and dreamt up something truly “family friendly” (nudge nudge, wink wink): “GAY STARS On Ice & Friends!” Instead of creating an entirely new name, it’s a more effective rubbing-in-the-face to alter it slightly…and “RAINBOWS On Ice” just doesn’t have any ring to it.

Some would argue that “STARS On Ice” IS essentially “GAY STARS On Ice…” already, in everything but name. However, the reaction to Johnny’s request for inclusion has clued us into the fact that this is not the case, at least as per some of the mainstream target audience. No, surprisingly, Johnny hasn’t verbally “come out,” but he upholds “gay” where it counts, and I, and gay kids everywhere applaud him for that.

The Concept

My concept is for an independent skating show that would travel to only the hippest urban spots, aka the biggest gay cities: SF, NY, LA, Chicago, Boston, Washington, Dallas, Miami, etc. Oh, and the top-billing sponsor (ala Smuckers) goes to the maker of Twinkies® and Ho-Hos®…not to mention Sno Balls®! Yes, that’s Hostess’ GAY Stars on Ice!”

The programs and performances would tip the scales in favor of the campy, flamboyant, and festive. BUT, there would be plenty of true, heartfelt gravitas as well, with a strong nod to high-classical repertoire (ie: from full-length ballet, and opera). It would honor and encourage the young aesthetic and spirit, AND the old gays.

What would be forbidden? Typical Pro/EX-skating fare: cheesy-sexy-faker rock (ala Michael Weiss, Josef Sabovcik, and just about any American pair’s EX), alpha-male, testosterone-filled movie soundtracks (ala Eldredge), karate-inspired numbers (ala Stojko), vanilla hip-hop (ala Belbin & Agosto, and Evan Lysacek), and so on. Basically, all the stuff that makes me yawn and avoid most Pro shows altogether these days.

What makes something “gay (besides the skater)? In short…1) a triumphant rising-from-the-ashes return of a diva (see Bobek and Harding); 2) male face makeup and glitter (ie: Johnny doing Gaga); 3) pride anthems (see Sandhu and Sawyer’s programs); 4) a nod to the older gay generation(s), who paved the way and, yes, we know, had it much harder (see Cranston); 5) plenty of pop and opera diva icons; and all this:

Program (Act I)

Vogue — Complete Cast

If You Were Gay (from Avenue Q) – Brian Boitano & Brian Orser

One (LIVE, by Adam Lambert) – Denise Biellmann

Bad Romance (LIVE, by Lady Gaga) – Johnny Weir

It’s Not Easy Bein’ Green (by Kermit) – Rudy Galindo

Guess Who I Saw Today (by Nancy Wilson, AMAZING video!) – Weir, Gregory
& Petukhov

You Gotta Have a Gimmick (from Gypsy) – Tonya Harding

Sag Mir Wo die Blumen Sind (Where Have All the Flowers Gone?) (Marlene Dietrich) – Katarina Witt

Sisters (from White Christmas) – Stéphane Lambiel & Rudy Galindo (featuring a throw triple axel)

Act II: Le Lac Des Cygnes (from Swan Lake) – ALL the boys in tutus (ala Les Ballets du Trockadero)


Menu created by Brian Boitano (WWBBM?: “What Would Brian Boitano Make?”). Features: pink cotton candy, extra-long all-beef hot dogs, south of france cheese plate, soy and leak salad, and wasabi and caviar crostini.

For Fun: Mod face-painting will be offered, and whistles and pink glow-sticks sold at all kiosks!

Program (Act II)

Diamonds Are a Girl’s Best Friend – Maria Butyrskaya

I Just Wanna Dance (Dance Remix, from Jerry Springer: The Opera)
– Emanuel Sandhu

Somebody To Love – Shawn Sawyer

I Will Remember You: AIDS Tribute – stylized movement (ala Katya’s tribute to Her Sergei) by Tracy Wilson, Toller Cranston, Brian Orser, and Rudy Galindo. Dedicated to John Curry, Rob McCall, Sean McGill, Brian Pockar, Dennis Coi, Ondrej Nepela, and all those who have died.

I Am What I Am (from La Cage Aux Folles) – Toller Cranston (in famed peacock costume)

Vissi d’arte (Tosca, by Callas, of course) – Oksana Baiul

Don’t Rain on My Parade (from Funny Girl) – Nicole Bobek (in her triumphant return to the ice, and sobriety). NO, Sasha doesn’t own this song.

Girlfight (by Brooke Valentine) – ALL the gurlz, in a Showgirls-style bitch brawl!

The Real Me (LIVE, by Clay Aiken) – Kevin Reynolds (look-alikes!)

Brokeback Mountain Medley – Stéphane Lambiel & Ryan Bradley

If My Friends Could See Me Now (from Sweet Charity) Complete Cast

Showgirl Oksana!

Not Your “Gay”?

Look, there’s not only one way to be “out,” or to embody “gay,” but my feeling is, if you’re gonna, why not have a hell of a good time, and let it all hang out!? Some of these are my true wishes, and some of them more of an amusing “fantasie” on the concept. Any producers interested? Call me! Or, any other great ideas for inclusion: skaters or programs?

12 comments so far

  1. G on

    needs more yu-na

  2. Ice Charades on

    Love this idea … if you threw in an Elton John song, maybe he’d spring some money for this. Only thing is you left out Minneapolis!

  3. Astro on

    This tour sounds amazing. Loooove the fact that you included Shawn Sawyer. He’s a fabulous skater. I wish he and Johnny Weir would be on the same tour someday. Too bad it probably won’t happen though. 😦

  4. Amanda on

    I think I just died a little.


  5. Shane on

    Great set list only Kevin Reynolds doesn’t look anything like Clay Aiken except maybe the messy hair.

  6. Pete on

    Hell, that sounds like one helluva show! I’d go see it in a heartbeat.

  7. Wicked on

    I would be so there!

  8. Laura on

    This sounds AMAZING

  9. Martina on

    Fabulous! You get extra points for including a threesome number for Johnny + Melissa and Denis, I love their Fallen Angels program.

  10. jumping clapping man on

    Wow…I just discovered an entire parallel universe of discussion about this post here:

  11. Laurie on

    This straight Canadian girl would go to this show in a heartbeat. One request though . . . could we have Johnny skate to something by Rufus Wainwright, pretty please? Talk about look-alikes . . .

  12. jumping clapping man on

    Laurie…ironically, I just discovered a Rufus Wainright recording of “Origin of Love,” from “Hedwig and the Angry Inch.” That would be parfait!:

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