“GAY Stars On Ice & Friends!” PRESENTS:
There’s been SO much press and discussion about Johnny’s “STARS On Ice” exclusion, and of him wanting to produce his own alternative show, complete with his Lady Gaga. I didn’t trust that any producer could get this off the ground as a tour…MAYBE as a one-time tv special (Johnny, please prove me wrong!). So, with my wildest fantasies sparked, I took the bull by the horns, and dreamt up something truly “family friendly” (nudge nudge, wink wink): “GAY STARS On Ice & Friends!” Instead of creating an entirely new name, it’s a more effective rubbing-in-the-face to alter it slightly…and “RAINBOWS On Ice” just doesn’t have any ring to it.
Some would argue that “STARS On Ice” IS essentially “GAY STARS On Ice…” already, in everything but name. However, the reaction to Johnny’s request for inclusion has clued us into the fact that this is not the case, at least as per some of the mainstream target audience. No, surprisingly, Johnny hasn’t verbally “come out,” but he upholds “gay” where it counts, and I, and gay kids everywhere applaud him for that.
My concept is for an independent skating show that would travel to only the hippest urban spots, aka the biggest gay cities: SF, NY, LA, Chicago, Boston, Washington, Dallas, Miami, etc. Oh, and the top-billing sponsor (ala Smuckers) goes to the maker of Twinkies® and Ho-Hos®…not to mention Sno Balls®! Yes, that’s “Hostess’ GAY Stars on Ice!”
The programs and performances would tip the scales in favor of the campy, flamboyant, and festive. BUT, there would be plenty of true, heartfelt gravitas as well, with a strong nod to high-classical repertoire (ie: from full-length ballet, and opera). It would honor and encourage the young aesthetic and spirit, AND the old gays.
What would be forbidden? Typical Pro/EX-skating fare: cheesy-sexy-faker rock (ala Michael Weiss, Josef Sabovcik, and just about any American pair’s EX), alpha-male, testosterone-filled movie soundtracks (ala Eldredge), karate-inspired numbers (ala Stojko), vanilla hip-hop (ala Belbin & Agosto, and Evan Lysacek), and so on. Basically, all the stuff that makes me yawn and avoid most Pro shows altogether these days.
What makes something “gay“ (besides the skater)? In short…1) a triumphant rising-from-the-ashes return of a diva (see Bobek and Harding); 2) male face makeup and glitter (ie: Johnny doing Gaga); 3) pride anthems (see Sandhu and Sawyer’s programs); 4) a nod to the older gay generation(s), who paved the way and, yes, we know, had it much harder (see Cranston); 5) plenty of pop and opera diva icons; and all this:
Program (Act I)
Vogue — Complete Cast
If You Were Gay (from Avenue Q) – Brian Boitano & Brian Orser
One (LIVE, by Adam Lambert) – Denise Biellmann
Bad Romance (LIVE, by Lady Gaga) – Johnny Weir
It’s Not Easy Bein’ Green (by Kermit) – Rudy Galindo
Guess Who I Saw Today (by Nancy Wilson, AMAZING video!) – Weir, Gregory
You Gotta Have a Gimmick (from Gypsy) – Tonya Harding
Sag Mir Wo die Blumen Sind (Where Have All the Flowers Gone?) (Marlene Dietrich) – Katarina Witt
Sisters (from White Christmas) – Stéphane Lambiel & Rudy Galindo (featuring a throw triple axel)
Act II: Le Lac Des Cygnes (from Swan Lake) – ALL the boys in tutus (ala Les Ballets du Trockadero)
Menu created by Brian Boitano (WWBBM?: “What Would Brian Boitano Make?”). Features: pink cotton candy, extra-long all-beef hot dogs, south of france cheese plate, soy and leak salad, and wasabi and caviar crostini.
For Fun: Mod face-painting will be offered, and whistles and pink glow-sticks sold at all kiosks!
Program (Act II)
Diamonds Are a Girl’s Best Friend – Maria Butyrskaya
I Just Wanna Dance (Dance Remix, from Jerry Springer: The Opera)
– Emanuel Sandhu
Somebody To Love – Shawn Sawyer
I Will Remember You: AIDS Tribute – stylized movement (ala Katya’s tribute to Her Sergei) by Tracy Wilson, Toller Cranston, Brian Orser, and Rudy Galindo. Dedicated to John Curry, Rob McCall, Sean McGill, Brian Pockar, Dennis Coi, Ondrej Nepela, and all those who have died.
I Am What I Am (from La Cage Aux Folles) – Toller Cranston (in famed peacock costume)
Vissi d’arte (Tosca, by Callas, of course) – Oksana Baiul
Don’t Rain on My Parade (from Funny Girl) – Nicole Bobek (in her triumphant return to the ice, and sobriety). NO, Sasha doesn’t own this song.
Girlfight (by Brooke Valentine) – ALL the gurlz, in a Showgirls-style bitch brawl!
The Real Me (LIVE, by Clay Aiken) – Kevin Reynolds (look-alikes!)
Brokeback Mountain Medley – Stéphane Lambiel & Ryan Bradley
If My Friends Could See Me Now (from Sweet Charity) – Complete Cast
Not Your “Gay”?
Look, there’s not only one way to be “out,” or to embody “gay,” but my feeling is, if you’re gonna, why not have a hell of a good time, and let it all hang out!? Some of these are my true wishes, and some of them more of an amusing “fantasie” on the concept. Any producers interested? Call me! Or, any other great ideas for inclusion: skaters or programs?